Why I Self-Inflicted H.I.V?

I acted like nothing happened, except I didn’t want to deal with my business and left it to Jeremy.

I needed a break and wasn’t quite sure for how long, Jeremy kept me up to date once a week and all seemed well.

I was falling in Love with Georg who took care of me; he was around, he listened.

Before our first sexual contact, he admitted to me that he was HIV+, and he was occasionally Escorting on the Weekends, and his principal Job was a Certified Insurance Sales Man.

If we became serious, I wouldn’t be able to accept Escorting, and he agreed, but meanwhile, we were getting to know each other under very harsh and unconventional circumstances so say the least.

I was living with him in his rather Medium Size Flat in the City Centre of Cologne, and it was like living in a Part of Versailles, his style wasn’t at all like mine, but I’m always learning, and I soon felt very much at ease.

Friday Day 11

Our first weekend together, since grandmother passing, something very unexpected occurred.

He left for Frankfurt to Escort, and it was bizarre for me, and I told him so.

I wasn’t going to tell him he can’t do it anymore; I preferred that he chooses.

He left, and several hours later he called me and said,

“Alek I can’t concentrate on Escorting as I am thinking only about you,”

“I think I’m coming home and leave Escorting behind as I am falling for you.“

“I am falling in love with you.”

Now hearing that was “candy” to my ears and I embraced such word with all my heart and soul.

I was so happy that at least one person was in love with me again, as my grandmother is no longer!

What is happening next is so sick, and here you can see the level of destruction I was already into.

That same day we made love, and I usually do not bottom, certainly not with a cock like Georg’s.

I wanted to be taken care off, to be part of him, become “US” as fast as possible.

We started playing and teasing each other, and before you know it his acorn was halfway in without him wearing a Condom,

but to make matters worse, once he was inside, and since I’m quite a lot stronger than him, I didn’t let him pull out before coming, and I still remember him saying:

“Alek NO!”

But that is what I wanted, and so he came inside of me, and I knew I now had HIV.

At the time I knew nothing about medication, and since this was 2009, I’m not even sure if he could have been undetectable or not, all I knew was that I should use a condom, which I always have and since I’m a Top, infection rate was low.

Yes, people, I took HIV on purpose as I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

Can you imagine my thinking?

Day 17

I felt a small pain in my Neck, like a prick of a needle.

I knew that was it and I told Georg, “I have HIV”,

and he just freaked out, and we made a Dr. appointment.

Day 19

My Dr. was laughing as he replied, “ you HIV never, you are so careful, how could this be possible?” see he knew me from back then when I used to live in Cologne.

Well, the Test was done, and two days later on Day 21, I was told I was HIV+, and I felt relaxed.

I felt no fear, no nothing, I just felt relaxed.

So within eleven days after my grandmother’s passing, I know had HIV.

I have to elaborate extensively as there are many reasons why I was tired of running from this Disease.

When I was a young boy around 10 or so, I was very curious and interested whatever my eyes could find, or my hands could touch. And I came upon a Book in my Grandfathers Bedside, a Book called AIDS, in those Days HIV wasn’t the name for it, we must have been in 1986. Anyway, I started reading it a bit, and it was all very confusing, as I had no Idea what Sex was despite AIDS. Anyway, the news filled with the Subject, and I could already understand that it wasn’t a good thing, however realising that if AIDS isn’t a good thing, so why does my grand-father have this book?

A heavy feeling to experience at such a young age. There were lots of talks about my grandfather having a mistress and on and on.

Nevertheless, I was a young boy, and I shouldn’t have been exposed to this so early.

At the age of 17, when I so happily departed my home country for the real World, Dallas Texas.

I was greeted rather quickly by my friends Christian Church.

I knew not much about Religion, I grew up Catholic, and I went to church every Saturday night and sang, poorly I might add, but that was about it.

So here I am being shown that you need to give 10% of your Income to church so they can be there for you when you hit hard times, I was already thinking, interesting concept?

They want your money to prepare you for your fall.

Kind of self-prophesying for disaster, but I was young and didn’t have an Income, so what did I care!

Shortly after my first church visit, I was taken aside by some lovely Christian Lady, wearing proper 80 clothes and her hair was reaching the sky, meaning it was huge.

They have a saying in Texas, “the bigger your hair, the closer to God you are” so again fascinating! LOL

So here I was asked if I was willing to visit a friend or a person, I don’t quite remember, and I so openly and willingly to learn and to get to know new people, agreed.

I remember this vast typical American Car, and she was a rather petite woman, I’m serious, how she managed to drive that car, is still a miracle to me.

We arrived at a Hospital, and I was already wondering why? She walked me to a division of what I would call,

“the last stage of life division”.

I was 17; I grew up in Luxembourg.

I have never been to a hospital, needless to say to a “Division of Death”.

She opens the Door and lying right in front of me to my right, a human, so thin, so frail, that at first, it was impossible for me to see if it was a man or a woman.

Surely I realised that it was a man, so scary and so absolutely terrifying to look at.

I didn’t know this person and why was I here?

The response came within seconds.

The proper Christian Lady said, and I remember her words like it was yesterday:

“This is what God will do to you if you are gay, he will give you AIDS, and you will die this way!”

First I wasn’t comprehending what she was saying.

I mean how on earth could she say something so harsh and rather loudly in front of a dying man?

I don’t even know to this date if she knew this person or not?

I was shocked!

She scared me to such a degree that I was cautious sexually for all my life to the point of not even having sex.

I couldn’t believe that the so-called Christian Lady or should I call her mentally disturbed fanatic, would do such a thing.

A couple of years later while living in LA, we are now talking about early 90is.

I would witness on a daily basis, how sexy hunks transformed within months into skinny and very sick and fragile people, and most of them would die.

When I finally went back home to Europe mid 90is I was marked by fear of HIV, and I knew funny enough very little about it. Use a condom, that was my “Law.”

Back in London in 2004, the Disease became more prominent in my life. Many of the people I dated were HIV+, and I even had a BF who was, and since I was only Top, the risk of infection was lower.

Either boyfriends left me because I wasn’t fucking bare or I didn’t feel good about the situation and didn’t even get serious with someone having HIV.

I wasn’t interested in getting sick.

Again I wasn’t very well informed, and I think it should be mandatory for gay men or anybody for that matter to have a Seminar about HIV financed by any Health Insurance.

In Paris, I was dating this very cute guy.

He just got himself infected.

We were already dating, but as soon as he told me, I completely withdraw sexually.

Please don’t think that I didn’t want anything to do with him, I was scared on a sexual level and saw no future.

I saw within me something that I disliked tremendously;

I rejected someone because of HIV!

And I didn’t like it one bit!

Was I justified, maybe but I still felt terrible!

Maybe you understand a bit better, that after my grandmother’s death and meeting the man that so willingly helped me through it.

All I wanted was to be with him for the rest of my life.

I needed to take control and take HIV, as otherwise during the relationship, HIV would have gotten me.

And yes that is me, I rather throw the first punch.

Some of my very close friends were so shocked they broke off their friendship with me.

I have to tell you, that now being HIV+ for almost ten years and being on medication for about five years, I’ve never been sick.

I have no side effects, and I am okay with it.

I don’t make a deal of it, as I know that I’m not gone die from this.

I’m not saying you should go out there and get infected so that you can be in control.

Did it empower me? Yes!

On the other hand, I was suicidal as well as naive, as there was another option, Georg could have started medication, and two months into he wouldn’t be able to infect me anymore. Most likely!

I wasn’t informed.

So what’s the message here?

Get informed NOW!

Take total control that way!

But there is a more significant lesson to be learned.

When you have a Trauma as I did, you must be in a safe place, and I wasn’t, neither did I have people to talk to or understood my situation.

I wasn’t aware that I had a Trauma and sadly no one strong enough to say:

“Please Alek, make no major decisions and go see a Therapist.”

Whenever you go through such a massive Life-event, make sure you get professional help as your closest friends may be overwhelmed.

Before you make a bad or terrible choice like me, get some short term or long term therapy with a Therapist or a Life-coach, a Family or Relationship Coach.

If you have made a mistake, make sure you know what you are dealing with!

The only advice I can give is when you catch it for whatever reason; you need to understand that you need to stop being the Victim.

You went out there played unsafely and caught it.

Take responsibility for your actions and deal with it, be strong and don’t make a fuzz about it, I hardly talk about it, I know it’s there, but that is about it.

I have my check-ups every three months, and I’m on the latest medication. I’m undetectable, and I live an entirely normal life!

One thing, I have always hated, is the fact that having lived in London, Paris and Los Angeles and witnessed people,

“high as a kite” or sober, having unprotected Sex in Toilets or so-called Sex orgies, and when they catch HIV,

they are shocked; they cry, they blame!

Some end up in mental Institutions.

Something I can’t comprehend!

Think about it before you act, and take Responsibility

And that is what I have; I don’t blame Georg nor the death or the Trauma.

I have made this decision then and there, and I am living with it every day.

I made peace!

From my book “THE LOSS OF SELF”

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