If we are honest with ourselves we will have to admit that we all have toxic people in our lives, in my case, it is my biological mother, my half-sister and it used to be my partner soon to be husband.
My mother abandoned me as a baby which I can understand and have forgiven her considering she was only 17 years young, but it was her constant interfering in my childhood, adulthood and my life without any value to me that made it impossible to keep her in my life. There is an endless shitstorm full of stories that I can tell you but that will be for another time, from continuous rejection to forgetting me for Xmas over to blackmailing me because I am gay.
She never chooses me, she never tried to make amends neither did she ever admit to any wrongdoing on her side and therefore isn’t even in the possibility to grow and learn.
Personal development status is minus three thousand.
I haven’t spoken to her in over six years and they have been the best as far I am concerned as I was able to learn and grow so much.
Sadly it’s a whole new universe of toxicity with my sister. She isn’t just repeating my mother’s bad patterns but has reinvented them to a level I never experienced before. At the age of 42, she has surpassed her by far. She has become a pathological liar because she is no longer understanding the difference between reality and her reality and furthermore the way she deals with her life, children and people, in general, is relentlessly destructive.
The difference between my mother and my sister is that they have grown up in different generations and my sister had more tools to grow and she had me.
I am since the age of 17 on a journey of discovery. I have left my home country of Luxembourg for the USA and another seven countries in my lifetime.
I worked very hard at moving on from my childhood and growing as a person and most definitely defeating my destiny which let’s face it was not going to be a good one considering my family past and present.
I have done the best I could and I believe I have succeeded in being a more evolved and considered person even if I have strong narcissistic traits, at the end, I am my mother’s child, I carry her genes.
In many ways, I am her. That was a tough nut to crack as I refused to even be mentioned with her in the same sentence and to be compared to her from ex-partners was a fucking nightmare.
Whatever hurts most must be dealt with!
I ended up accepting that I am very much like her, however, I have a choice to evolve and work on myself and treat myself and others very very differently. And most importantly not to be a victim, a role my mother and sister could easily win an Oscar for.
I choose to face my shit straight on and not run away like they do, like so many do! Make sure not to run in the opposite direction of your Toxic person as you might find yourself somewhere totally different to where you want to be.
This brings me to the fact, why so many of us do not want to deal with ourselves as we have become toxic too. It is crucial to yourself and your relationships, your children and your life to break those patterns and become you. Be the person you can be without the pre-programming of your toxic family.
Make no mistake that the root of all your toxicity is from your childhood, if you question that you are simply wasting your time.
If you have had a toxic parent you are most likely oblivious to your own toxicity or have recreated and attracted a toxic person in your life.
I call it the “Bear in the living room syndrome”.
When it comes to my partner of nine years, let me make it as short and hardcore as possible.
He was a fucking nightmare and he cheated, lied and was emotionally unavailable. It was only four years into the relationship that I had a so-called AHA moment and realised that he was a clone of my mother and so were all my partners before.
Fuck, imagine that! I was dating my mother with a cock, most horrendous but it made so much sense. They were all emotionally totally unavailable and the more they ran, the more I hunted them down. Very productive relationships, NOT! I decided to leave him for a year, in which I grew, rebuild my patterns by simply being extremely radically honest to myself, and trust me that wasn’t easy.
I had to discover and admit notably bad traits of mine and find ways to change them and I did and some I just had to accept. It was only when I had set my boundaries that I let him back into my life and no longer accepted his behaviour and that is when things started to change. Having said that I always knew that he had it in him to be a better person, some of you will have to let them go forever.
Now to you.
Who is that person or who are those people that are stopping you from moving on, from being a better you, or from living your life?
The answer is not that difficult and most of you won’t want to hear it.
It is you not them!
You are accepting them putting you down, you are letting them hit you and you are breaking yourself down because you do not know better. The real question is: Why have you attracted such a person in your life?
- So the first step is to make a list of all those people, sometimes it might just be one.
- Why are they in your life? This point is most important because if you manage to get rid of them and do not understand the core of why they were in your life in the first place, you might replace them with another emotionally unavailable coward.
- Why do they have such power in your life?
- What are they doing exactly?
- Make a detailed list of their actions and the consequences it has for you?
- How do they manifest themselves in your life?
- Is he or she going to be aggressive towards you in case of change, please assess that and get help if needed?
Sometimes if you are lucky and have worked on yourself and can say and do things in alignment, meaning you are believable and people won’t start laughing in your face, you can make changes and live with their toxicity, that however is very rare.
In most cases, you will have to let them go and it will feel like a sacrifice at first but it is not if you grow and learn. Letting them go and simply moving on without understanding is not going to work. You will replace them, as mentioned before but this is MOST IMPORTANT!
You need to start being kind to yourself.
Before I am letting you go I want to tell you that I sadly had to throw my sister out of my life just about a month ago, and this time for good.
She sadly is no longer my little sister and all my attempts over the last 20 years to make her realise that she has a Substance Abuse issue and so much more, have failed.
She has crossed a line by becoming pregnant again at 41 and continues her substance abuse and I can not be part of that anymore. I can’t watch her smoking whilst pregnant and that up to up to 5 joints daily.
Imagine that to be over 1300 Joints smoked during pregnancy alone.
I realised that the more I accepted her toxic behaviour, the more toxic I became, and that is where the real truth hits home.
One will never be healed from whatever happened in childhood, all you can do is to decide to heal over and over, day by day and do the best you can.
Once toxic always Toxic.
I know it’s not what you want to hear but it is the truth.