What is Authenticity?
I always had rules, goals and boundaries which I lived by enduringly, but after the Death of my beloved Grandmother, the woman that raised me, I started a Path of Self-Destruction to the point of total humiliation.
The catalyst was an appalling break-up, followed by death, H.I.V. bankruptcy, almost Suicide, Sex, lots of absurd, artificial chemed-Sex, homelessness and so much more…
I lost faith in humanity
I lost faith in me.
I lost myself.
I didn’t know how to protect myself anymore! I kept on punishing myself!
Do you know what it feels like to be standing on the edge of a building,
you have nothing to lose,
and the only thing that keeps you from jumping is to return to an abusive Boyfriend who has nothing else to offer you,
but to lie to you, to control you and to take the next puff of the Meth pipe!
Would you go back?
Back to the gay Lifestyle I never asked for.
To a Lifestyle where I ended up having Sex for Cash, me of all people?
WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM?
I started to realise that all my relationships disabled me, plus they were getting worse. I never felt empowered neither stronger; no, I felt like a five-year-old needy little boy. It dawned on me that I subconsciously choose partners that were emotionally unavailable to me and almost clones to my relationship with my mother. I was dating my partners to comprehend my mother’s behaviour!
She abandoned me at birth.
She never choose me or fought for me.
She never placed me first.
She repeatedly rejected me, and that conduct inflicted so much pain to my young and fragile soul, that I became an adult child. Feeling unworthy, codependent, needy and a total enabler.
I NEVER FELT GOOD ENOUGH!
Until I faced myself and my life,
I gradually was able to make better decisions and reduce my anger toward my mother.
I stopped being a victim and took charge of my decisions. I stopped blaming everybody else and empowered myself to commence a new path of recovery.
I forgave myself for not being able to forgive my mother, that alone made a huge difference in my life.
HEALING IS A MIX OF DECISION AND TIME!